We’ve All Been There
20,000 followers on Instagram. A vibrant Facebook group. 150 team members. A brand new Lexus. Incentive trips to exotic destinations. A steady, growing business of new customers. A great blog. An even better Vlog.
Or how about the perfect family photo, a beautiful new home impeccably decorated, an amazing date night, incredible weight loss, a fabulous, expensive new purse.
What am I describing? Why it’s the highlight reel from everyone’s life wrapped up in a cute little bow called your Facebook or Instagram newsfeed.
How many times have you been on social media and taken note of someone in your feed who is doing well and crushing their goals either personally or professionally? You feel happy and excited for them right? Of course you do, you’re not an asshole!
Enter the Toxic Comparison Conversation
But when you see those goals being crushed, how quickly does that happiness and excitement turn into a toxic comparison conversation in your head?
You guys know what I am talking about. That toxic conversation with yourself that begins with:
“Wow, I cant believe she did that. She is amazing!”
That quickly turns to, “Well, gosh I don’t have 20,000 followers.”
or
“I don’t have 150 team members, I can’t even recruit one person to join my team.”
or
“I haven’t had a new client in months.”
Or
“I am horrible with technology I will never have a successful blog.”
Here Come the Shoulds
Next, the “shoulds” start to come. “I should be doing more for my business, or “I should be doing better” or “I should be more successful”.
I will admit, I have fallen into the comparison trap a lot in the last few years. It sucks! Like literally. It sucks your self-esteem right out from within you and it sucks your time away from doing more positive things.
Here’s what I know to be true. Once those thoughts are in your head, that’s when self-doubt, insecurity and anxiety begin to rise and self-worth begins to decline. It can paralyze you from moving forward in your life and can take away precious time you can be spending on building your future. It certainly did for me.
The funny thing is, that person you are comparing yourself to, she is most likely looking at something you are doing and having a similar conversation with herself! Wishing perhaps she could be as vibrant, brave, stylish or as level-headed as you are.
How Do We Stop The Madness?
So, what can we do to try and avoid the toxic comparison pitfall? I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the last year and really focused on my own personal development and growth.
Here is what I have learned:
First things first, look in the mirror. That person you see staring back at you? She is the ONLY person you need to really ever focus on or compare yourself to. Be proud and encouraged and motivated by what she is doing because frankly, it’s pretty freaking awesome!
Feeling like that is easier said than done? Here is another way to frame that idea. Think about how you compare to you. What more can you be doing for your business today than you did yesterday? What can you do to improve the quality of your life?
Taking the focus off of someone else, and replacing it with a positive outlook on how you can improve yourself can be just the catalyst you need to propel yourself forward.
Here are some other tips that can help:
1. Be aware. Many times these conversations we have with ourselves begin to happen before we even realize what we are doing! So the best thing you can do is to be on the lookout for them so that you can stop yourself from continuing. It will take some practice but the more you become conscious about what you are saying to yourself, the easier it will be to stop.
2. Find gratitude. Find things in your own life that you can feel grateful for and happy about despite what others may have or achieve. Shift your focus from what you don’t have to what you do have. How about a loving family, a supportive spouse, and amazing friends as a good place to start. I took much of that granted before I finally woke up and realized how truly lucky I am to have those people in my life. Not everyone does.
3. Get excited about your future. Change your words. Replace “should” with “want” and see what happens! Then take those wants and turn them into plans. You know that saying you see posted all over Facebook, “She turned her cant’s into cans and her dreams into plans”. Well as cliched as it might feel, it actually has a lot of value. Being selective with your words and creating plans gives you power and energy. That power and energy stops you from doubting and allows you to start doing!
4. Understand your journey. I think its super important to understand that you cant measure your start against someone else’s middle. What do I mean? That person you are comparing yourself to might have been in her business now for 15 years or been quietly blogging on the side for months before you even thought about doing it. The thing to remember is, overnight success typically takes years to accomplish!!! You only begin to notice them when they start to get success but you don’t see the late nights trying to build a website, or tears being shed over mistakes in content or rejection letters etc. The point is we all start somewhere. So own your place and get going!
5. Take a break from social media. Yes, I said it! And I’ve done it on several occasions. For significant periods of time. My last break lasted over 6 months and guess what. Life still went on. I still saw friends, was included in events and actually felt happier and lighter. Here’s the beauty of it, you don’t know what you don’t know. So if you aren’t being feed daily doses of other peoples awesomeness, you cant compare yourself to it!
I have tried to implement these tactics in my life and while I am not always immune, it has helped me tremendously in avoiding the comparison trap!
I encourage you to try them the next time you find yourself feeling “less than”.
And remember ladies, you’re not fully dressed until you sparkle!
Love this! You are crushing it with your advice, Kathleen! Keep at it! This is great stuff!